McSweeney's (courtesy of Maryann Shaw)

FIRST DRAFTS OF THE PARABLES OF JESUS.
BY A.J. PACKMAN
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Jesus said, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
One of the disciples asked, "What of the man who builds his house inside the house built on the rock? Surely his house will be even less damaged by water and wind. Is this what we should do?"
And Jesus said, "No, don't do that."
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At that time a man said unto Jesus, "Jesus! I do not understand the nature of the kingdom of heaven."
Jesus said, "The Father's kingdom is like a shepherd who had a hundred sheep. One of them went astray. He left the 99 and looked for the one until he found it. When it was found, he said to the sheep, 'That you went astray is a clear sign that you misunderstand my instructions. You are nothing to me.' And then the shepherd turned the lost sheep into a pillar of salt, because the shepherd is God in this parable, and that's the sort of thing He does when people fail to understand His Word."
"Wait, what?" said the man,
And the man became a pillar of salt.
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Then Jesus said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him. Then the one inside answers, 'OK, just gimme a minute,' and he goes to one of his friends, and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of a friend of mine on a journey has come to the friend who's my friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his friend.'"
One of the disciples said, "Wait, doesn't the original person's friend need three loaves of bread because a friend of his friend who's on a journey has come to the friend of the original person's friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his first friend? Or is that what you just said?"
"It doesn't matter," said Jesus. "The point is that God can get you free bread."
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"But what do you think about this?" asked Jesus. "A man with two sons told the older boy, 'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.' The son answered, 'No, I won't go,' but later he changed his mind and went anyway. Then the father told the other son, 'You go,' and he said, 'Yes, sir, I will.' But he didn't go. Which of the two was obeying his father?"
"The first!" cried some of the disciples.
"The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.
And Jesus said, "Wait, I messed this one up. Did I mention that when the first son went to work in the vineyard he killed somebody? Because that's important. So, yeah, which of the two was obeying his father?"
"Uh ... the first?" said some of the disciples.
"The second! The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.
And Jesus said, "Oh, cripes, also the father only has one arm. And he is riding a horse the whole time. Was that clear?"
One of the disciples said, "Are you sure that's not 'The Parable of the One-Armed Father Who Rode on a Horse'?"
And Jesus said, "Maybe you're right. OK, let's change the question: Which of the two sons was the tallest?"
The disciples were silent.
Jesus shook his head in dismay. "Have I taught you nothing?"

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

In the same vein as "There Will Be Blood" with a smattering of Terrence Malick, this second (!) film from Australian director Andrew Dominik was deeply haunting (I'm thinking that I've used that adjective before but I don't really care). Casey Affleck is so very disturbing and awkward that it is at times uncomfortable to be in the same room as him. The typical (12 Monkeys, Fight Club, Se7en) Brad Pitt that, when he is acting well, comes off as entertainingly unsettled is a far more subtle character here. He is a Jesse James that is hounded by mistrust and appears so disconnected from every human being in his life. A soundtrack from Nick Cave creates tension and beauty which, I believe, culminates on the day of the assassination. A beautiful film that deserves a place alongside Unforgiven and The Proposition.

There Will Be Blood

I figured out that I have watched over 1000 films in my life so far.

This one may be the best I have seen.

I became obsessed with this Gipsy Kings album while spending a summer in Seattle 4 years before actually moving here. I spent my days listening to this album nonstop and reading Marquez' "One Hundred Years of Solitude" on the green slopes of the Ballard Locks.  "Montana" and "Trista Pena" still get me to this day.

The other album is also interesting because, though I know the story behind Christopher McCandless' ultimately tragic exploration of human freedom, I have never read the book or seen the film that this soundtrack comes from. I was able to listen to all of it in one sitting while driving back from my parents in the rain and darkness along Lake Washington. I can say that it made me visibly uncomfortable traveling in the complete opposite direction of McCandless (back into the city) and the music made me want to drive towards rainy wooded mountains far far away. Maybe I shouldn't see the film.

I never thought that I could care so much about a coming of age story centered around the turbulent life of a thirteen year old Chinese kid whose overbearing mother runs his life very much like the motel that they own. A great film along the same jarringly realistic depictions of life found in "Me and You and Everyone We Know".

Joyeux Noel

There is a point in this "Christmas movie" when a german soldier singing "Stille Nacht" is accompanied by a scottish bagpiper from across no man's land. My heart was filled with joy and I wept out of happiness and sadness.

Idiocracy

This film is hilarious and scary. Hilarious because it is a Mike Judge film. Scary because it is actually coming true in some parts of America.

Death Proof and Planet Terror

I have been a fan of Rodriguez and Tarantino's films for some time now and these two grindhouse flicks are superb as homage's to the old slasher/zombie movies. They are extremely violent and gory but in a way so dissimilar to current Hostel-like movies. The violence and blood is almost comical in its presentation and I am left wondering if this is good or bad.

Both flicks adhere to the Rodriguez/Tarantino standard of incredible dialogue and very strong female characters.

Frisbee: The Life and Death of a Hippie Preacher

I was amazed at the connection between this 60's era Jesus freak preacher and two prominent churches today. It is a sad story about a time in America when experimentation moved between all facets of life. How people were to make sense of all they discovered during this time led to some being ostracized and others denying their own histories.

Days of Glory

I'm watching more films during this Christmas break than any other time before and I've been meaning to watch this one for some time now.

Promoted as the French "Saving Private Ryan", it is ultimately an indictment of the French government and the prevalence of racism no matter what the context.